You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
I got her a Nickelback box set.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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