So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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