Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize