he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
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