Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
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