I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
