More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize