i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Randomize
