Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
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