I cannot find my penis.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
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