theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
