i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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