he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize