masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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