Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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