im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
