yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Randomize
