When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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