ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize
