a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
