Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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