I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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