Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
