These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
