funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
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