How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
