I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
time to smoke my breakfast
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
