Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
