he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
So vagazzling was a success
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
