Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Randomize