omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
