somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Randomize
