im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
