The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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