lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
You are a booty call, not a friend.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
