Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
