Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
