No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
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