it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Someone came in the potted fern
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
i am craving dick and cupcakes
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
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