I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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