Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Randomize
