Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Swine flu. Run for my life!
ugly people sure do ruin things
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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