I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Randomize
