Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
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