Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
