My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
