I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
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