pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Randomize
