Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
you mean i was at the winter classic?
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize