I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Randomize
