Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
