Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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