Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
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