I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
