Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
