Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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