i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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