Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
