did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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