the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
