just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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