She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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