she kept yelling 'call me bella'
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Everyone says I win the strip club
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
