She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
